Today was fucking insane.

I’m not quite a month into work yet (two days out), and a manager was there training me in sales Saturday and today.

Then today, my boss just decided to throw me in the deep end. The manager, Rick, had set me up to key in a fake sale (which we also did Saturday), to help me get more comfortable and familiar. I literally didn’t even have time to start it when he strolls over and says, “okay, you’re up,” and gestures to some customers who just came in.

Fear floods me and I gape. “You’re joking,” because he has joked with me like that. “Nope,” He tells me. He says my boss thinks I’m ready. Boss says “what better way to learn than by just doing it?”

And so I greet a middle-aged man, woman and younger girl. They’re immediately lovely. The interpersonal stuff isn’t so much an issue. They seem to know exactly what they want.

And I’m so flustered and frantic that I keep messing up on pricing, and forgetting things. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve retained some things, sure, but for the most part, I feel like I’m flying blind. There’s so much to remember. So many details.

You have to talk to them and find out what they’re looking for, okay, easy enough. Then price it. And you gotta go into different price books or programs for prices and use pricing metrics to find the retail price and then discount it based on the price which I STILL don’t know how to do, and then close the sale while also trying to add onto it, then key in the sale and figure out whether the items are in stock or if you have to back order and also talk about warranty (which I don’t know much about, price wise) and calculate delivery price which (AGAIN) I still don’t know how to do, and print the invoice and remember info about the customer and remember to follow up with them and send a thank you card and just AHHHHHHH FUCK.

And like, I think I could be good at this, truly. But it’s also SO fucking overwhelming and I feel so ill-equipped. Like selling a bedroom suit today—I don’t know how to tell the difference between sizes in our SKU numbers. Rick was supposed to go over it with me but we didn’t have time. And then he isn’t coming back for more training with me, which is wild. They’ve trained me for two days and said “good luck”? And my coworkers will still be there to help, but that’s not the point.

I made the sale, and the people were really lovely. The fianceé and her daughter had left while the man was negotiating (haggling) and they literally came back in when it was all said and done to hug me. They were so incredibly sweet.

And Rick and my boss and my coworker were all praising me and saying how I just had it, and I’m natural at it, and I guess to an extent—I like people. I’m naturally friendly and warm and curious. I care. I’m not a bullshitter. But the technical bits are so new still, and throwing me in it like that was so nervewracking hahaha

But also, I did make a sale. Even if Rick helped me through a lot of it. And I make commission on that. And my base pay will also probably bump up now. I can do this. I think I can really excel at this. I just can’t let myself get too stressed and psyched.

But I hate it, because I’m already dreading going back to work. I don’t want to do that again. Hahaha I hate that it’s a learning curve. I wish I could transport to six or eight months from now and already be mostly confident and comfortable at this.

I don’t know how they were all saying I was doing so well. I felt like a train wreck. Sure, maybe I was talking to people well. Talking to people is easy, mostly. It’s not hard to be nice and friendly and helpful. It’s all the other stuff I’m struggling with, and selling involves more than just being nice and friendly and helpful. I’m not sure what they’re seeing that I’m not.

Maybe I’m just exhausted. It was a long day.

It’s truly very strange to have someone tell you that you’re like their only friend in this town, especially since their only other friend here got a boyfriend and fell off the face of the planet, and then treat you like you’re not really a priority? Especially when it’s someone you’re not particularly drawn to lmao like I keep getting treated like this by her and the worst part is that I’m not even that keen. It’s not that I dislike her, but I just don’t really feel like we jive in a lot of ways. We have a lot in common, interest-wise, but the way we function is SO far off. She literally FaceTimed me for .2 seconds last night to tell me to tell her to shower, so I did, and she hung up on me. We haven’t hung out in three weeks and I’m not like “omg I need to see her!!” because being around her is draining for me.

Like, she would fully expect me to come over after work (I get off at SIX) and not feed me, or expect us to order something and me buy my own food. Even if I invited her over after work and my grandma wasn’t there to cook, I’d make meal prep or do some kind of quick thing.

This is the second week in a row that SHE suggested plans and then couldn’t remember what day it was, but a couple months ago, she had an Olive Garden date in her CALENDAR from like a few weeks out to go with the one who fell off the face of the planet.

And I keep wanting to be like “girl, fuck this. I am way too nice to you and have been consistently a better friend than any of your other friends or acquaintances here just for you to treat me like that” but also, we have a concert at the beginning of May, so burning bridges isn’t a great idea just now. And also, I hate the idea of hurting her or leaving her feeling like she has no one. But part of me feels like she’s doing it to herself.

But then I feel like maybe I’m being too harsh. I know she has (self-diagnosed, at least) ADHD, so she’s forgetful. I get it. But I’ve heard multiple times over the past few weeks about how she hasn’t seen me since the beginning of this month, just for her to “forget” what day we had plans? It’s so bizarre. And she keeps forgetting what my days off are, too.

Which, I get it. Life is busy. I don’t remember everything she has going on either. But it’s the narrative of like “omg I miss you I haven’t seen you in so long” and then initiating plans just to act like they’re not that important to you?? Hahaha like I’m not forcing you. I have a lot going on lately and am perfectly happy to spend any free time at home chilling or doing stuff with my grandma.

People are so fucking weird sometimes.

I hate having to work with an attractive guy every day. I know I’m not actually interested in him—I’m just attention-starved and he is so tall and so nice and he smells good and he says my fucking name all the time the way I want someone I like to say it.

He said it to me three times in a nearly five minute span on Saturday as we were leaving. “Thank you for another good week, Alyssa”; “sorry, Alyssa”—when we almost bumped into each other; “Bye, Alyssa! Have a good rest of your weekend!”

If I were folklore, he could have surely summoned me.

If he were single, this would be a beautiful little setup for the office romance of my dreams, but even if he were, that would be too messy to even actually contemplate.

And sometimes, he reminds me of Ben. They have a similar energy to them—sweet, gentle sort of men. Kind. Emotionally stable and healthy. Similar verbal ticks. And saying my name all the time like that. Except Ben only did it when he liked me and stopped when we became more platonic, so I guess they’re different in that sense.

It feels shameful to have someone be affecting me like that that I know is taken. Obviously I don’t actually have feelings for him, and even if I did, I’d never, ever do anything with them, but he’s the only male figure I’m seeing with any consistency and the nature of him training me means we interact more than I interact with anyone else here. Sometimes following him around the store like a little puppy while he shows me how to do things.

Earlier we were putting tags together to put on the furniture—me sliding them into little plastic jackets and him tying the smaller tags with string—and it felt… I don’t know. Unifying. Domestic, somehow. Like you used to feel doing things like that in school with classmates. Friends sitting together doing crafts.

And it’s funny because I’m so different lately. Too tired to be all that lonely. Too busy to have time to want. Too focused on other things to even consider seeking it.

But still, in those little cracks and crevasses, that part of me lingers more than I’d like.